A deeper fear

© Mark Pouley

In 2015 I thought my cancer diagnosis would be the scariest thing that would happen the rest of my life, and then came 2020.

I’ve been working from home since March 10, 2020. I haven’t been able to add to this blog since shortly after being ordered to stay home by my doctor, my governor and, my employer. It isn’t that I didn’t have time, or didn’t have thoughts to share, I just found it difficult to translate my feelings into words. It isn’t any easier today, but I’m compelled to try.

As I sit here this morning I’m watching pictures of my city and my country burning. The tally of souls lost to Covid-19 moves past 100,000 with no clear end in sight. The divisions in our communities grow into chasms that may never heal. I am heartbroken and I am scared.

This blog is about my journey with multiple myeloma. It has never been political, even if discussing the U.S. healthcare system sometimes touches on politics. I still don’t intend to be political, but what is happening is so profound, I can’t write about my cancer without acknowledging the world in which I’m trying to survive.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I was scared. First I grieved for myself, thinking about the years I might lose and the things I might miss. I was also sad for my family and loved ones, for leaving them without my support. Those feelings were personal as the world around me kept going. Part of the challenge of survivng with cancer is learning to function in the “normal” world while my existence is threatened. In the last few months, while my disease reached healthy stability, the world around me unraveled. Today I fear for us all.

In my last column I wrote about the need for everyone to understand the threat of infection to those of us in high-risk categories. I was hopeful that people would learn we’re all in this together and those of use with underlying health threats depend on the otherwise healthy population to keep us safe. Sadly, since writing that column I’ve witnessed acts of unbelievable selfishness and ignorance. The death toll from this virus is far beyond what it likely could have been if only we were united in our efforts to defeat it.

As spring moves to summer our leaderships’ focus turns to putting people back to work to get commerce flowing even though all reasonable evidence suggests we are far from through the threat of this pandemic. A lesson I learned after my diagnosis is that no matter how well I respond to treatment I will never return to my pre-diagnosis life. Too many of our population fail to understand the threat of this virus has changed our lives forever. We are not going back to pre-covid lives. We can’t wish away Covid-19 any better than I can wish away my cancer.

As the length of our quarantine stretched into months the news was dominated by images of armed, mostly white, protestors occupying capital buildings demanding states to “reopen”. What we didn’t see were police meeting these heavily armed and agitated protestors with tear gas and rubber bullets. Instead, they were allowed to carry their weapons into the halls of legislation to scream their demands.

The pandemic laid bare the divides in our country. People of color were carrying the burden of keeping our essential services operating and paying the price with their lives in disproportionate numbers. Even though the health threat isn’t over, many in power have calculated this cost of moving the economy forward is acceptable.

In my sadness watching this modern plague ravage our country I was stunned by images of black men murdered in broad daylight by vigilantes and people sworn to protect us. Unfortunately, our history is bloody with these killings, but those murders, in this time, led to protests and violence in the streets across the nation.

People are in the streets demanding justice for all people of color. The crowds are large and diverse and the message is familiar. These crowds, unlike those we saw earlier in the month, are being met by militarized police, tear gas, and rubber bullets. People in leadership, ostensibly condemning the murders are demanding swift retribution for the unruly protests.

I don’t condone violence by anyone, but the response to the two groups of protestors couldn’t be starker or more disturbing. We can only hope the convergence of events will open eyes and hearts.

With or without myeloma, I’m approaching the end of my time on this planet. My generation squandered its chance to make this a better world. I fear what we’ve left for my children and grandchildren.

While today I feel overwhelmed with sadness, I can’t count the number of times in the last three months I’ve been brought to tears witnessing stories of human strength and love. We’ve seen kindness and heroics from people of every color and background. Will the inherent goodness of people someday overcome the systemic evils?

Perhaps there is hope. There must still be hope.

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